Navigating Life After the loss of innocence

As I continue to talk to everyone about my life there will be some confusion wrapped around time and age and things my memory has just either blurred out or heck maybe I am just getting old or simply dont want to remember. I dont recall a whole lot of my really young years -there are just snips that molded my young mind. Unfortunately there arent many that are positive unless the outside world was involved and yes that means my other family as well. They were a bit more put together or appeared to be, from where I am sitting you can never truly tell anything about a family unless your are part of it intimately. I know and I can give praise to the fact that they saved me many times from the abuse either physical or mental. My aunts were amazing and their kids my cousins as well. I was closer with some not so much with others but I always felt this sense of judgement from the majority. I was the bad kid going to school lashing out fighting getting suspended and doing a whole lot of things I had no business doing at that age. I didnt have a father or from what I was told my mother was not sure who he was so there was nobody there to save me, it was me her and a path of destruction that was becoming my llife. When I was young my mother was in an accident in one of the only three jobs she had my entire life. I will not say where due to not knowing laws against these kinds of things but she ended up getting her right hand pulled into a machine which left her with no fingers or skin on that hand. Obviously it tooks years of recovery and effected her greatly. She ended up suing and winning I guess the machine didnt have guards on it. I said all that to say this, I believe that is where she lost herself and went so far she was never able to return. She was a drinker and partier prior but I want to think that there was still something in her that cared prior to this. After she won the settlement she bought a house the first one I had ever lived in with her and she had a monthly check which was able to pay the bills and support her ever growing addiction. Usually by the end of the month the money would run out and she would bring some random man to the house and manipulate him into doing whatever she needed or wanted at the time. These times would sometimes end in her being beaten, raped or going to jail or a hospital with me there all the while. I guess being the youngest at the time and the only girl I had so much hope in her and craved a mother I simply looked past everything that was happening. When these episodes would end I would be her release, her punching bag or it would be my fault because I was there. I wouldnt say I asked for it but I didnt run from it either I only wanted to help. I will leave this here I dont want to dump to much at once and I promise next time it will be sooner.